48 hours from now I'll be home with the husband, offspring, my dog, and my frogs. Hopefully by this time of night, the children will be sleeping, the pets fed, and we can have grown up alone time.

Today was the first day of my last semester college. I half way took TL's advice about the huge gap in my schedule, except not with ping pong because it wasn't offered as a class and there's no one playing for fun at 9 am. I signed up for a class in billiards and one in bowling. This fills my morning and still gives me a nice 2 hour gap in which to eat lunch and do any assignments for my Philosophy class (Science and Values). The Philosophy teacher is amusing but I think the Socratic method will cause me to stab him.

I saw a guy on campus with a pig tail mullet. It was odd... it was a regular hair cut except he had a long chunk of hair on either side of his head.

I found out the Dresden Files was canceled, which stinks. The series was getting better, but more importantly it was something my father and I watched together. That's why I pushed myself to keep watching past the first few bad episodes (SCIFI channel's special effects people should be tortured then fired). Oh well, at least the books are good and still being produced. I've been getting them from Zooba.com where they have 2 or 3 books in one volume for around $10. It's basically the only reason I've kept my subscription for Zooba.

I've been reading Neil Gaiman lately. I think I like him, but I've only read a bit of the Sandman series. It's my first exposure to the graphic novel genre.

I donated blood today. I bleed quickly, which always surprises me since I have low blood pressure. They wouldn't let me leave without drinking an 8 ounce can of regular soda. I felt fine after giving blood, not dizzy at all, but after the soda I felt sick.

I have to scout out gym locations near campus. I have a travel card (I think it's in my husband's car...if not I've lost it and will have to get another one this weekend) so I can go to the branches in this area. Which is good. I don't want to get out of the habit. I haven't noticed much physical change but my stamina is much better.

I haven't been online much this week since I've been trying to focus on keeping Mercer occupied. I just want to make sure he doesn't feel abandoned. Plus at my parents' house, it is hard to get time on the computer that isn't interrupted often.

The temperatures have been in the low 100's for the past few weeks. It is tolerable at my house, which is shaded by trees, has a new heating and air unit, and large ceiling fans. At my parents' house I feel like I'm withering all the time. I hate the feel and smell of sweat. I have a small table top fan that stirs the air without cooling it.

My birthday is coming up on September 5th. I think it's a Wednesday. I don't know what to ask for from my family. I might make an Amazon wish list (am I the only person who doesn't have one?). I'll be 27. I'm fine with that. I can see 30 looming but the older I've gotten, the better life has gotten so if the trend continues I am fine with the march of years.

So here I am, officially discussing this.

The evening of May 14th, my husband and I joined a local Gold's Gym. The next day I went out of town, but every day since (except for Sundays and this past Thursday since I was too congested to breathe) I've gone for cardio with light strength training every other day. So far I really like it and I feel committed to it. It helps a lot that there are a lot of entertainment options during cardio and that Mercer likes the children's area because he's a very vocal little reminder that I need to be going to the gym.

Tomorrow we cut out all the refined sugar and bleached flour and horrible stuff. It's not good for anyone but since I have PCOS/insulin resistance it really causes me to gain weight. Up until we went on vacation at the end of April, I'd controlled my blood glucose levels very well this year and managed to lose around 35lbs. Unfortunately we've spent the past 5 or 6 weeks eating absolute crap and I've gained around 15 lbs of that back. I was down to a size 18, but with the weight gain that's a bit snug while a 20 is too loose.

So my short term goal is to be a size 16 by the end of the summer, or even a 14. My long term goal is to just be healthier overall, to have more energy, better endurance, hopefully improve my asthma, and be able to shop for clothes without feeling like crap.

But I'm doing this because I'm just done with it. I'm tired of it.

I've been chubby from the time I was 8 and fat since I was 13. I could never figure it out. I was an active child, I played soccer, rode bicycles around the neighborhood, walked everywhere, and ate the same things my sister ate. And yet, she grew up, and I just grew out. I was on steroids off and on for various medical reasons, which played some part in it, but mostly it was probably the insulin resistance since the weight gain started around the same time as the rest of the symptoms.

I continued on, eating well, being relatively active through high school and even through the first two years of college, and being fat. Healthy, but fat. I was a size 16/18. Then in 3 months I gained around 40 lbs even though my diet and activity level hadn't changed. I went to my childhood doctor, who looked at my chart and told me that I'd always been overweight. I went to a lot of doctors who all had theories (most of them thought I was pregnant even though it would have been a literal miracle for that to be the case, until I took a test to prove I wasn't), but it would be 2 years and 25 lb more before I found one who actually helped me. That was in February of 2003, and by the end of that year I'd dropped 67 pounds by controlling my blood sugar and was back at a size 16/18 again. Of course one of the other problems caused by PCOS is lack of ovulation, which went away when I controlled my sugar which lead me to get pregnant while on birth control. Which unfortunately made me think I had permission to eat large amounts of whatever I wanted and lead to a 90 lb weight gain and left me in a size 24 after delivery.

Now if you happen to be in a store, find some size 24 pants. Hold them up. They're big. Very, depressingly big. So 3 months after parturition I started eating well again and getting more exercise (which was the last time we joined a gym). I worked my way back down to a size 18 by Mercer's first birthday, which also happened to be around the time I got pregnant on birth control again. I behaved a little better during that pregnancy but still came out of it a size 22.

That was a year ago. Last summer we were moving, coping with having 2 children instead of one, and renovating our house. It was the New Year before I started being serious about getting back into some kind of decent shape and I've done fairly well this year. Not as well as if we hadn't spent May eating take out and pudding but better than if I'd done nothing at all.

I want to be more attractive. I'm not available but I still like the attention. I get checked out at size 18, or at least I used to, and I can find clothes that suit my age and personality which makes me more confident. I even want to be attractive with my clothes off, which really seems impossible to me right now.

I love my husband, who still loves me even when I'm newly postpartum and retaining water and sleep deprived. But he's an attractive guy and a foot taller than I am, so next to him I feel even frumpier. I know women look at him and I know we're a mismatched pair. We're very well suited personality wise and we love each other a lot, but none of that shows when we're just standing next to each other in public.

Technically, the way I look right now I feel like he's out of my league. When we first met, it was before the drastic weight gain in the short period of time, so I was more confident going after him. Plus we were still young enough that most girls our age were going after assholes who just wanted sex, so as a decent human being with a lot to offer he was getting overlooked. I feel lucky to have him, for a lot of reasons.

So right now I'm motivated, and I'm hopeful. I'm talking about this because if I make it public then I'm accountable and will help me keep up my gym activity. I've lost large amounts of weight before, so I know it's possible. I've also been fat and physically active so I know that's a possibility as well, but I'd like to think that physical activity and eating better will mean I'll achieve my goals.